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No prince charming here

I’m feeling fairly under the weather at the minute. Have been for the better part of a week. And I’ve had to take care of myself. That’s a scary thing when you’re single and live alone, especially when simple things become really challenging. And everyone else in the block is away.

However I’ve discovered my resolve again at least. I can look after myself, and fairly well it would seem. Sleeping has been the most difficult as colds and flu like symptoms agrivate my ‘environmental’ or allergy based asthma meaning a few hours at a time.  Having in the past been hospitalised by my asthma in the past it’s not unusual for me to need my inhaler through the night.

I realised that with no one too fuss over me I’ve possible gotten back on my feet a little sooner as things need done. And I can push myself when I need to, without over excursions. Either that or I hate being fussed over. Let me sleep when I need to sleep, and eat when I need to eat ( at least when I’m unwell ). 

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Insomnia

I’ve generally been posting on my other blog about my health and weightloss, it’s a bit more than that but it’s there to help me be more body positive and keep myself on target.

The last few days haven’t been the greatest sleep wise. Sunday night/Monday morning was rough. I just couldn’t settle for more than a few hours at a time. Last night I was up pretty much the whole night, saw the sunrise and everything. But managed a few hours again. It’s not like I haven’t been keeping active either. I’ve been walking or tidying most days and cooking and keeping my brain occupied but hate it when I just can’t sleep.

I value my sleep, I always have. I can do 36-48 hours but prefer to get my kip.  There’s nothing worse than not been able to sleep when you need it. Holidays usually mean I end up a little of kilter but I tend to find that it can be rectified and am hoping I can do so tonight. Fingers crossed.

Recovery from a night out

I’ve had a chilled out day today. Recovering from a big night out. Intoxicating tea party plus pub and karaoke after a working morning at the fete.

I got drunk last night, which was kind of the point. I had a smoke for the first time in over 10 years. I think it’s safe to say I am not picking up the cigarettes again any time soon. I also confessed to my mum today that I used to smoke when I was at uni.

I was very distant from my family when I was at uni. I left home at 17, just weeks after my gran died. I didn’t go home much and smoked when I was out drinking with friends. I quit when I was 21 and about to start my main career.

I haven’t tried the smoke in over 10 years and last night I just decided I had to be the rebel. I also had the usual drunk but frank conversations. I realise I am fortunate to have the friends I do, especially when you consider some of the things we’ve all been through.

I am aware that it makes us the persons we have come to be. And apparently I over think things. No surprise there really. I’m single and analytical, logical but terrified of being hurt again. My male work colleagues in my department that are fathers will quite happily talk about their wives pregnancies and labour stories… They alone could put someone off bearing children.

I also don’t know what I want from a significant other, I know I’m fine being single for now. I’m taking the time to sort out my life and indulge in hobbies etc.  Probably best for now.

Revelations in my world

Tomorrow I run my first 5k – I say run it’ll really be a walk/jog.  It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.  A small thing to remember my Gran, like most people I have seen what cancer does to loved ones and suffered the loss.  It’s a pain I don’t think I’ve truly dealt with if I’m honest with myself.  But it’s also part of the reason I am who I am now.

I am 31, single and reasonably content with life at the moment.  I have had an offer accepted on a house I can turn into my home.  I have ideas and plans to let me grow and I already have a few naysayers lurking in the background.  First of all I quite like living myself, so if I can afford to I don’t want to rent out a room (but if I have to I have to).  I’ll be getting my four legged companion back, which will increase my exercising again.

Here is the big thing though – I’ve had two long term relationships that have fallen apart and I am terrified of being hurt again.  In the first he cheated on me, in the second I was controlled and manipulated once to often.  In both cases I walked away.  I took control back into my hands and that is the big thing, there’s no-one to tell me what I can and can’t do right now.  I have a small group of friends from work and notable I’m one of the younger ones but most of them have families.  In fact I spent part of today with one of those families and realised that my choices in life and my career path have made certain things potentially difficult for me.

I may never have a family of my own.  I have had enough colleagues (both male and female) recant stories of pregnancy issues, child birth and ‘my kid did this…’ stories to make me terrified of the whole ordeal.  Not to mention that kids now are exposed to so many things much earlier then my generation.  In my first relationship I was still young and naive and wanted a family (he didn’t), in my second I couldn’t see a way of supporting a family when I could barely cover the bills – that was the turning point there I think.

If you where me what would you do?  I’ve worked hard all my life for the little things.  I watched my parent do the same but they had me when they where young.  If I’d had a kid when my parents had had me I would have dropped out of Uni.  That’s how big a thing it is.  I’ve made some difficult choices in life, that’s for sure.  Maybe the whole being single thing has made me look at everything in a new light.

daily quotes

julius22193

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”  – Henry Ford

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Daily quotes

julius22193

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi

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Not sober and struggling

So I’ve spent two days spending time with friends who are not having the best of luck when somethings are starting to go right for me. I feel slightly guilty, like I’ve dodged a bullet. But nothing is perfect.

I have a face on, I’m siting with wine and cake feeling like I’ve missed a step. Like I’m guilty of something but know I’m innocent. All I can do is help them through what they are going through. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else, after all I’m single with no commitments just now.

But I can find it hard being by myself, at times anyway. I’m fairly content with my own company at times. But I miss having certain things. I know my last relationship lacked certain things but I always felt alone. I had to ‘Smile’ when my heart ached. So not my style, if I lost my heart to a real man it would make a difference.

I have realised I need goals and I have to set targets. I need a list of things I plan to do. If someone pops up in my life then great, but i’m just going to wait and see.

I know my weaknesses so that helps.  But there are some that are harder to come to terms with. Drinking wine is one of those I feel, but curled up in the safety of my own place with a film seems fine. Even with my conscious chewing me over.

So I’m going to get a real goals list, with realistic targets. Otherwise I may go mad!

Self conscious and single

I’ve had a few nights out since I became single. But tonight was tough because of the mix of people. I also stayed sober so I didn’t have that social lubricant helping or hindering me.

The problem was I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. Everyone else had opted for jeans with a nice top and heels. I’d gone all out in a dress, that I felt ever so slightly self conscious in. Think ladies day at Ascot versus big night out at the dogs (greyhounds).

Plus being single you feel that bit more vulnerable when it comes to confidence.  I’ve found the mix of people affects how I cope. Tonight it was work colleagues at a fundraiser and I withdrew a bit, especially as I’m feeling as if I’m on the fringes of the group.

Also got dutifully embarrassed by winning multiple prizes throughout the raffle and a little but of early luck on the games. Oh well, need to learn a lesson or two I think.

dealing with your demons

I realise I only post every once and a while but i’m a bit low at the moment. Tired more than likely.  When you are on your own you have to keep yourself occupied on the days everyone else is busy. Usually Saturdays for me. So on goes Spotify and I clean my flat and start getting rid of the stuff I don’t need. Two thirds of a bottle of processco on Friday night wasn’t the best idea but I was treating myself  (just like the £100 I spent on jewellery I would actually wear).  I don’t splurge often, so when I do it’s because i’ve saved up for it.

I’m going through everything I own so I can sell off the stuff I don’t need and make sure he gets everything that’s his. I’m purging my past but it’s hard when things are online. I am proud of who I am but I have had to grown through so many painful experiences. I don’t know what is round the corner, and maybe that’s the best thing. Take it a day at a time.

Austerity cooking has been hijacked by the moralisers. (Comment is free, The Guardian)

COOKING ON A BOOTSTRAP

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To read the full article, Austerity cooking has been hijacked by the moralisers, click here. Published in Comment Is Free, The Guardian, 28 August 2013.

Jack Monroe. Follow me on Twitter @MsJackMonroe. Find me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/agirlcalledjack

A Girl Called Jack is available to order at Waterstones: https://m.waterstones.com/BookDetails.aspx?bookId=10013935 or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Girl-Called-Jack-Monroe/dp/0718178947

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