Tomorrow I run my first 5k – I say run it’ll really be a walk/jog. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. A small thing to remember my Gran, like most people I have seen what cancer does to loved ones and suffered the loss. It’s a pain I don’t think I’ve truly dealt with if I’m honest with myself. But it’s also part of the reason I am who I am now.
I am 31, single and reasonably content with life at the moment. I have had an offer accepted on a house I can turn into my home. I have ideas and plans to let me grow and I already have a few naysayers lurking in the background. First of all I quite like living myself, so if I can afford to I don’t want to rent out a room (but if I have to I have to). I’ll be getting my four legged companion back, which will increase my exercising again.
Here is the big thing though – I’ve had two long term relationships that have fallen apart and I am terrified of being hurt again. In the first he cheated on me, in the second I was controlled and manipulated once to often. In both cases I walked away. I took control back into my hands and that is the big thing, there’s no-one to tell me what I can and can’t do right now. I have a small group of friends from work and notable I’m one of the younger ones but most of them have families. In fact I spent part of today with one of those families and realised that my choices in life and my career path have made certain things potentially difficult for me.
I may never have a family of my own. I have had enough colleagues (both male and female) recant stories of pregnancy issues, child birth and ‘my kid did this…’ stories to make me terrified of the whole ordeal. Not to mention that kids now are exposed to so many things much earlier then my generation. In my first relationship I was still young and naive and wanted a family (he didn’t), in my second I couldn’t see a way of supporting a family when I could barely cover the bills – that was the turning point there I think.
If you where me what would you do? I’ve worked hard all my life for the little things. I watched my parent do the same but they had me when they where young. If I’d had a kid when my parents had had me I would have dropped out of Uni. That’s how big a thing it is. I’ve made some difficult choices in life, that’s for sure. Maybe the whole being single thing has made me look at everything in a new light.